I'm sure I'm not the only person that has ever been at odds with their parents.
Sometimes I swore they couldn't be my parents, I couldn't stand to be around my mom or my dad.
Sometimes I felt like they were never here for me, they never supported & only criticized. But all I ever wanted was a chance to learn and grow. It's still what I want.
But as I got older, my nonchalance grew. I didn't care much for what anyone said to or about me. I still don't.
I just wanted the two most important people in my life to be here for me like I wanted. Nowadays, it's kind of better. I'm still not as close to my mom as I was when I was a little girl (mainly because my parents weren't together and I barely saw my dad cause he worked alot and I lived with my mom) and I love my dad a lot more because he's realistic. Daddy lets me live my life how I wish with little to no pressure, but he's still willing to be my shoulder to cry on or reprimand me when I'm wrong.
My mom still tries to protect me from everything but the shit I've endured that she knows about (because lol, I hate seeing her cry so she doesn't know about everything that ever went wrong or bad for me) shows that she couldn't.. It's just life. And the world. And in a way, I understand because like her, I'm very protective over the people I love. I love her very much for the things that she's done for me, for praying for me, for encouraging me. And even when we fight, I never forget any of the good things.
But when I become a mommy, I want things to be different. I want my little person to love me so much and to trust me with everything in them. And I feel like everyone that's been through shit with their parents always say something like this.. 'I'm not gonna be anything like my mom/dad.' 'My baby will have it much better than I did.' But who knows what the future will really hold for me and my seed? I can only hope for the best.
That being said, I decided to see if I would be able to pen an open letter to my future heart holder. Here is what I came up with.
To My Unborn Child:
To my little prince or princess, I love you. Just to get it out of the way. There will never be a day that I won't be saying 'I love you.' Because I'll probably say it as soon as I realize you're growing inside of me. And I will say it every day until there is no breath left in my body. Why?
Because I want you to know that no matter what is going on, whether I'm here or I'm gone, whether you're upset with me or I with you.. That you are loved with every single fiber of my being.
I pray for your strength. Because this world is crazy. And I'll teach you that sometimes this life will come for you and knock you down but it's so important to get back up. I almost want to keep you inside my womb where I'm positive that you're always gonna be safe. But that's also crazy. I hope that you have my resilient spirit and my heart filled with empathy & love. I will teach you the benefits and dangers of having those traits. I hope that you never let anyone or anything break you down. But, if there is ever a day that you feel like the world is on your shoulders or that everything is coming crashing down.. Please don't hesitate to come to me. It's my job to pick you up, hold you down & lift you up. You've heard my heart beat from the inside so you know that it only beats for you.
I'll teach you about struggle & poverty but you will never have to go through it. I know you'll appreciate the little things in life like I do. And I'll try really hard not to spoil you rotten.
I'll teach you the importance of working hard AND smart but also the importance of fighting for what you believe in, to always stand against injustice.
I'm not gonna lie, I hope you're outspoken like I am because I'm looking forward to the days that I'm no longer teaching you but you are indeed teaching me. I hope that you won't be easily offended as I tend to be.. And that you're able to see the difference between constructive and destructive criticism. I know you're probably going to be a curious one, like me. And that's perfectly fine. You ask all the questions you want and everything I have an answer for, I will give that same answer to you. I pray that whatever talents our God has blessed you with that you use them them as soon as you come to the realization of their presence.
I pray that you'll be blessed with discernment, to separate the real from the fake. But also, I hope that you never lose sight of your emotions yet still have a better handle on them than your mother.
I pray for your patience.. Your self control. Things I personally struggle with. It is my greatest wish that even in our similarities, you are better than me. I'm not sure who your father might be but I will definitely make sure he's the piece to complete me. So that whatever traits I may lack, you may gain from him. I will make sure that he & I love nothing more than each other, with the exception of you. We will worship the ground you walk on, without a doubt.
My sweet little angel.. I don't mean to rush you but I wish you were here now. I feel like these dreams I chase and these goals I make are solely to cater to you. Nonetheless, take all the time you need because I need to be ready too. In my mind & body because I feel like my heart & soul will always be ready for you. I already love everything about you. And I hope you'll feel the same way about me too. I want you to be proud of me because I will always be proud of you. I am already more than grateful to God for the gift of you and you're still wrapped in His loving arms.
So, please, my little blessing from above.. Understand that I will always try with you, because I dedicate my life to you.. If you ever feel like I don't understand you or I'm not listening or I'm too critical, please know that it's out of fear that you might portray the worst parts of me.. I cringe at the thought of my sins falling on to you because I want you to be way way better than me.
So, these words I dedicate to you, my greatest accomplishment & the love of my life, do not take them for granted.
I don't know why this became such a pressing topic for me but I do hope that you enjoy.
Until next time,