Take That L, You Lose.

Recently I’ve been dealing with a whole lot of losses.

DAMN THIS FRIGGIN RETROGRADE BRO.
(If you have no idea what I'm referring to, google 'Mercury retrograde')

I realized that I hate losing a long time ago and every time I took a loss, I ended up completely disregarding the lessons that came with those losses and losing a whole lot more than I needed to.

It’s crazy how when you lose someone or something, you realize the value of the person or the object.

I’m growing out of my ‘throwing a tantrum when things don’t go my way’ phase slowly but surely.

But the biggest lesson for me is dealing with the fact that I took a loss because of myself. 

For every choice you make, there are consequences. 

For every action you take, there will be an equal and opposite reaction. 

I have a personal issue rn that I shouldn’t be upset about but I am. I’m just upset with myself. I really really messed things up. And I don't know how to fix it but believe me, I'm trying my best.

The mere fact that I did it to myself is killing me.. It's hard for me to accept when I mess things up, whether it’s a relationship or friendship.. From the most complex to the simplest things. 

It really sucks. And I beat myself up for it. For every time.

But the truth is..

I have too much pride and a way bigger ego than I thought. I constantly push away the people that love me with my selfish acts and my overly independent mentality. I don't trust easily and I'm big on self-sabotage clearly.. lol. But it's mainly that I'm used to dealing with things by myself because (if you remember me saying in one of my earlier blogs) I hate being misunderstood with a passion. 

This just in: 

I can't do it all by myself like I hoped.

This ego of mine would definitely be the death of me if I continue to let it run wild & free.

I used to blame everyone and everything for the consequences I suffered after messing something up. But never would I blame myself.

Blameless, stainless. That’s what I thought. 

But you know what it really was?

My ego. 

Turns out that I am indeed my biggest enemy.

My biggest critic.

But I am also my biggest fan.

My best friend, my greatest support system.

Who can humble me better than myself?

God, yes. And without saying, life. Lol.

But other than that, just me.

So, here’s what I’m saying to you.

Look deeper than what’s going on around you. Look more inside of yourself. Check your ego. Humble yourself. 

“I believe that the biggest problem humanity faces is an ego sensitivity to finding out whether one is right or wrong and identifying what one’s strengths & weaknesses are.”

- Ray Dalio

And I truly believe that. We all have some kind of ego that gets in the way of things. 

Things like personal growth, creativity, success, relationships etc.. Shit, life in general bey.

Like you could really be losing out on a boatload of opportunities because you can't take a chill pill and be humble. Listen. Receive the info. Act. You don't know everything. The world doesn't revolve around you. Funny funny funny and so ironic because I'm just now realizing this for myself lol. 

It be ya own inability to see things for what they really are.

It seems like I’m the last one to know this as well because I've had loved ones tell me about these things time and time again and I just wouldn't budge. Am I a Libra or a Taurus? LMAO.

I'm definitely at a point now where the only thing I really want to do is right my wrongs. 

So those things I mentioned up there are things I personally have to work on. 

There are so many things I want to fix but can’t. I have to make peace with everything I’ve done at the end of the day. And fix what I’m able to. Another task for me: learning to let things go and find peace in doing so. Taking things as they come and being okay with how they turn out, even if the turnout doesn’t favor me at all. And this next quote is something that'll stay with me for the rest of my days.

“To have ego means to believe in your own strength. And to also be open to other people’s views. It is to be open, not closed. So yes, my ego is very big but it is also very small in some areas. My ego is responsible for my doing what I do - good or bad.”

-Barbara Streisand

It is what it is. Think about it for yourself though. We all have different battles we face daily.

Saying all of that to say this..

You may be the biggest obstacle you gotta overcome to achieve your plans, your dreams, your goals etc.. 

Who can stop you but yourself? 

My only prayer for next year and every year after is that I continue to learn and grow. I want nothing to shake me to my core because I’m so firmly rooted in my peace. Also, I have to work on forgiving myself! I never forgive myself and I dwell on things forever. Just wanna cut that completely. So I will.

I can only go up from here because I’ve been at my lowest point for far too long. I preach a whole lot of positivity because I love uplifting people but it’s so important to me that I practice what I preach now. 

Because I promise y’all, I talk to myself so rough lol. 

I’m always told to be easier on myself because I’m only human but honestly, I really don’t feel as though I’m doing enough. I’m tryna do better than good enough.

A few reminders:
Don't be so hard on yourself if you really are trying your best. What's for you will not pass you by. Be faithful in your deeds & stay consistent with your work. Learn when to cut your losses and accept them as lessons for next time. Don't force anything. What is meant to flow will always flow. Turn your ego down. Open your mind & heart. Trust your process always. It's not a race but a journey.. Keep at your own pace & stay in your lane. One life to live.. How you gonna live?

Praying lots of love, peace, positivity and prosperity to all of you.

Be safe because the world is crazy. 

Until next time,

Raye. 

Better Vibes x Long Live King Dre 🍃🐢

I didn't post last week because I was feeling down... In an inexplicable way.

But as I type this now with a heavy heart, I see the purpose of the pain I was feeling.

December 3rd 2017, I lost a dear friend.. Drazen. 

Dre. 

An actual angel that walked and talked with many of us.

Everyone’s therapist & confidante; as long as you needed a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear, you can bet it was him if you guys were friends. Didn’t even have to be friends, Dre was the kindest soul you could ever meet.

My brother. 

I still don’t know what to say or how to feel.

I know I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m hurting in ways I didn’t even know possible.

It’s been a while since I’ve lost anyone so close to my heart and I’ve never been good at dealing with death. I’m not big on grief because I’m an emotional person in general. I don’t cope well with a lot of issues really but I do my best, I guess.

But death is a big one. 

And it’s always the good ones. Always.

The ones with the purest souls. The ones with the most genuine intentions. Drazen. That’s him.

Only 24 years old. The good die young and it’s just not fair.

Dre wouldn’t complain about anything at all. He always did more than you asked of him and even when you didn’t ask, he still did.

You couldn’t ask for someone with a bigger heart.

I’m realizing now that he impacted way more people with his positivity than I could’ve ever imagined. 

My friends and I can personally vouch for the times he talked us off of the ledge, he came through when nobody else would. He was the rock of our group tbh. The comfort we would seek when we couldn’t deal with life and its curve balls. I’m seeing he was the same for a whole lot of people and it has me shook.

Not because I thought it was impossible but because I wanted to be selfish and tell him about his millions of friends when that was why he was here. To impact people positively.

That’s why we all here but Dre was the physical embodiment. God saw it fit to have His angel come home.

It’s killing me to see RIP next to his name and knowing that I’ll never see that smile or hear his laugh or receive a hug again.

No more ‘outside young man’ texts lmao.

No more running into him downtown or anywhere at all.

No more pep talks when things get too tough.

All we have are memories.

But he’s here in the spirit. I know he’s at peace and I’m praying we all find that same peace. 

I’ve cried myself sick and I know he’d frown upon that but I can’t help it. I just need him to come back and tell me it was a joke so we can fight about it and then laugh about it.

Always had the answers.. Need them more than ever but that’s just not gonna happen..

God I’m sorry for questioning you because I’m honestly still tryna figure out what this is all about.

But I have no choice but to allow you to work and to trust the process.

Hear my cry, hear the cries of Drazen’s loved ones, family & friends alike.. Comfort us all. Wrap us in your loving arms. Thank you for his years spent here on Earth. Thank you for allowing him to be in my life and the lives of so many others.. Thank you for the many lessons, laughs & love we shared. Thank you for your unwavering support! I’ve been tryna hold my tears back for a while but they just won’t stop coming.. I promise your memory will live on through all of us. I promise I’ll complain less & smile more. I’ll love harder and forgive always. You’re truly irreplaceable and there’s no way we can compensate for the loss of someone like you..

But your last retweet was ‘Everything happens for a reason.’ I wish I knew the reason but if that’s all I get.. I have to deal I guess. It really sucks that this is what it took to throw things into perspective but I promise I’ll do better for you. 

I don’t think I can say anymore except this.

We love you Dre. We won’t ever forget you. I know I’ll miss you every day but I know you’ll be with me every day. With all of us. Promise to run off and start that new life we talked about way back. Better vibes brother.. Better vibes 🍃🐢. Rest in sweet peace angel.

With lots of love,

your Sugar Raye Leonard.