The Re-Up/Better Days

Hey guys,
Hope you're all doing well, September is almost done!
Finally!
It's never a good month for me and this year, nothing changed lol.
Good news is, it's Libra season!
Which means my birthday is approaching. October 20th.
Accepting gifts, money, lunch dates & souls all month.

But, on to business.

I don’t really have any topic I’d like to develop this week because truthfully I’m still mentally exhausted from my last post.

I took a mini hiatus from the social media I normally use all the time (Snapchat & Twitter) for a week.

If you noticed, cool. If you didn’t, that’s fine too. I guess I’ll tell you guys a bit about that. 

But first!

I wanna thank everyone that read my last blog.. It’s up to 1600 views and that is amazing. 

Thank you for reading my blog on the whole! 

Thank you for sharing, thank you for everything.
Awkward hugs for you all!

When I started this blog, I really thought it’d be more like a diary to be honest.. Thought I would just be ranting all the time. 

But as I said in my first post.. This writing thing is much bigger than me.

It’s a platform & as long as people are listening, I’ll use it for the greater good.

I have so many things planned and I can’t wait to share.

Okay, mini hiatus.

Just gonna be completely real & tell you all that I had probably one of the biggest meltdowns of my life (there have been numerous big ones so I can’t say it’s the biggest lol) probably like... Two days after I posted my blog. 

It wasn’t that exact factor that pushed me to the edge but it definitely contributed to the level of stress I’m facing right now. 

‘If it caused you so much grief, why not delete it?’

Because .. Truth be told, nobody else would do it. Being a voice in a time or during a topic where nobody wants to speak has always been me.
There is nothing I haven’t been through that I haven’t gotten through.
I may be down for a bit but I will bounce back, check the title of my blog fam. 

I needed that disconnect because I needed to put some things in my life back into perspective..

I did just that & I’m more focused than ever.

Back & I’m better.

Thank you to everyone who actually  did notice that I was missing & came to check on me. I love you! 

No shade to anyone who didn’t, it’s not a big deal. 

But yeah, *shakes self because I’m straying* .

I made a post on my Snapchat about the reactions I got from my blog & I said something that’ll stay with me forever.

People came & told me things like:

‘It’s really crazy to know that happened to you.’ 

‘How are you even okay right now?’

‘I would never have known because you don’t act like it.’

Well...

Let’s just say that I’ve grown despite all the adversity I’ve faced. I’ve come a very long way & I am very proud of myself. I’ve learned to pick up the pieces & put myself back together. 

It’s been hard because some days I really just wanted to stay on the floor and let dust collect all over me until I die. For lack of a better explanation.

Explaining my depression is a task.

It comes in waves. 

Some days, a little wave that I’m able to stand through & let it roll off of me.

Other days.. It’s a salami. I mean, lmao. A tsunami.

^ A way I’m known to cope: I downplay my pain with a joke or twenty.

:).

But yes, I’m distracted again smt.

What I said in my story that evening to answer all those synonymous questions: 

‘That’s just who I am. Because when you’ve been through enough darkness, you know how important it is to spread light.’

Spreading light is so important to me because I know what it’s like to be spiraling & screaming internally and nobody notices.

Sometimes, you need that little push. That little hug. That little ‘I love you’. That reassurance (this is a big one for me). You need to hear that it’ll be okay. That you’ll get through. That for every dark night, there is a better & brighter day. I know what it’s like to need that. It’s only right to uplift people every chance I get. It’s only right to spread pure positive vibes. Even when I’m not 100% myself. 

Someone asked me, ‘How do you stay positive?’

I believe prayer changes things. Prayer. I pray. Every day.
As often as I can. 

It’s 5:37 AM as I’m writing this and as soon as I’m done, I’m going to pray. I know I’m not perfect but I know God loves me anyway. He’s working on me. 

And on days when things are perfectly fine & dandy, I pray.

When my anxiety attacks & my peace tries to escape me, I pray.

When I feel lost, I pray.

When everything goes the way I want it to, I pray. 

That’s really it. 

Why?

Because God is greater than the highs & lows. He’s intentional & never failing.

The actual love of my life. 

Everything doesn’t happen when I want it to or how I want it to all the time. . But that’s fine. 

Sabali, patience.

As it stands right now.. Everything isn’t perfect. But I won’t complain because I know how bad it could be. 

But I just wanna reinforce the fact that it gets better. Better days are coming. I cannot stress that enough. 

So, in the words of my good friend A. Major as you all may know him..

Actually..

You know what?

No I ain’t bout to quote it.

Just listen to the song. This song really really makes me happy for every time. Happier because he's actually a really good & supportive friend of mine. I'd bet my life it'll make you smile and brighten your mood.

It's called Both Worlds/Better. Here’s a link. 

Actually.. Go listen to & buy my friend’s album.

It's called The Weekend & it's really amazing.

Bey, how did this turn into a promo?
Anyways, I'm wrapping up !
I know that every person reading may not be Bahamian but majority of you are & if you haven't listened/purchased yet, thank me later.

Here are the official links to the album.
iTunes.
Spotify.
Tidal.
SoundCloud.

But y’all be safe & stay prayed up. The world is crazy. 

Hearts & hugs,

Raye.

The Blog About Rape

I expect a mixed reaction to this post.

But here's a disclaimer.

THIS IS NOT FOR SYMPATHY, I DON'T WANT OR NEED A PAT ON MY BACK. THIS IS TO PUSH A SERIOUS ISSUE TO THE FOREFRONT OF YOUR MIND. WE AREN'T ABOUT TO ACT LIKE IT DOESN'T HAPPEN BECAUSE IT DOES. THIS IS MY STORY AND MY ONLY WISH IS THAT YOU ARE ABLE TO SEE THE SIDE OF THE VICTIMS IN THIS SITUATION AND THAT YOU ARE LESS IGNORANT TO THE REALITY OF RAPE CULTURE BECAUSE MANY OF YOU ARE.

Also, my story may be triggering to some. I am very sorry if this does that to you but I'm praying and hoping you find comfort in knowing that you're not alone.

Alright, here we go.

Yes, this post is about rape and the culture that has been created surrounding it.

If this topic makes you uncomfortable, I'm not forcing you to read this.

In fact, please close my blog out. You're a huge part of the problem.

Before I really get into this, please note that I am fully aware that women are not the only victims of rape - men rape men, women rape men - but the common denominator is the same.. Men. The sad fact is 99% of men are the culprits behind reported rapes.

Most rapes are never reported to the police even though society constantly preaches that women should always report a rape. Yet, when you report the rape, you just might find yourself being called a liar, a whore and sometimes TOLD that you wanted it. When you don't report it, you are STILL called a liar, a whore then told that you're making the story up. I surely didn't report my rape when it happened. I've watched too many episodes of Law & Order: SVU but also I've experienced too many real life stories where reporting a rape did nothing but re-victimize the victim over and repeatedly. On top of that, the assailants were not punished.  It's just a lose-lose situation all around.

I was drugged and raped by a young man whose advances I resisted. It felt like my fault entirely because I did set my drink down and the worst occurred because of it. I feel like that's besides the point.. Why was it so important for this character to ensure that I ended up in his bed that night? I mean, my no most definitely meant no. Yet.. I still woke up to find someone's son on top of me, inside of me.. Stroking. I tried to push him off and tell him to stop but I was in so much shock.. It felt like my motor skills were just nonexistent. You know.. I didn't even know when he finished because I passed out again? Personally, I feel as though if you're able to have sex with an unconscious person, you'd have sex with a dead one. I woke up without my pants, without my underwear.. And the young man laid next to me asleep. Truth be told, I wanted to kill him right then and there but I felt so sick; whatever was put in my drink left me dizzy, with a headache, no appetite & I was unable to use the bathroom for several days.. Messed up huh?

You wanna know what else is really messed up? Someone I called my friend was there. Along with some of his friends. The next morning, I asked her to fill in the empty spaces for me. The young man locked us both in his room and he did whatever the hell he wanted to do to me.. She knocked and no one answered. He told them that he performed oral sex on me.. Leaving out the entire truth that I was unconscious during basically everything.. I called my best friend, sobbing hysterically.. She reached out to him and he reached out to me. I would absolutely love to play the audio I recorded for you guys but then you'd know who it is. I listened to him speak .. Saying things like 'I'm sorry', 'I didn't know that you didn't know that's what I was doing, I was trying to get to know you' .. The young man even went so far as to tell me how 'good and warm' I felt. Yeah. That way. You decided the best way to get to know me would be taking my vagina while I was unconscious. Lol. Super. Clearly a winner. And to add insult to injury, you telling me how great my guts are as though I was a willing participant. Wowzers.

I never thought I would be on here telling people about this. Because I was so ashamed when it happened. If you know me, you know I pride myself on being able to defend myself.. Yet the young man stripped me of that same pride in just one night. I cried for weeks and weeks, even attempted to take my life. It sounds so cliché but this is really the reality that many victims face. Some days, I'm okay and some days I'm not. Many times, seeing the rape topic online is very triggering. But it's happening to people. The true inspiration behind this is I have a close friend that basically the same thing happened to. Differences being.. She knew her assailant and she was still a virgin when it occurred. She's much younger than me and she's much like a little sister to me so that cut me very deeply.

Why do we as women have to do so much to compensate for the weak minds of some men? Why must we be subjected to such actions all because some asshole can't take no or keep his penis to himself? It's not fair. And I've grown up being told not to ‘tease’ men, not to look enticing, not to have too short of a skirt, not to show too much cleavage etc. But why? It's because majority of these men today were not taught about the value of self accountability. 

“When you have a well-developed sense of self-accountability, you are honest with yourself, and are answerable and responsible for what you say and do. You have the ability to look beyond the immediate moment to consider the consequences and know if you are willing to pay them.” 

-Dr. Ben Benjamin, massagetoday.com.

See that? That can be anybody. It's definitely me, it can be you. Please stop telling women that they have to take extra precautions just to be safe in the streets without telling men that they must have self control and self accountability. Please stop encouraging men to be sexually aggressive. Please stop making them believe it's okay to make rape jokes and force themselves on hesitant women. Stop creating a grey area when there is none; consent is consent and no is no. Y'all hearing me? Understand that no means no, not yes. If a woman is too drunk/drugged to respond, it's still no. Hell, if you get her naked and about to slide in and she said no, it's no my guy. In a relationship and she says no? Well, sorry fam, it's a no. See? No grey area. Consent = yes. No consent = no.

Ya. Dat way.

I just want you guys to hear me. I feel like this generation has become too desensitized to this topic. It can happen to your mother, your sister, your grandmother, your daughter, your niece, your cousin, your girlfriend or your wife. Think about it. There are literally so many ways to prevent rape as a man, you guys basically have all the power in a situation like that. I'll name a few.

If you see a guy clearly harassing a woman, correct him.. Stand up for her. Be mindful of people's personal space always. Don't shout out degrading or objectifying remarks at women or make jokes about sexual assault/rape. Always communicate with sexual partners and never assume consent. And most importantly, if a friend/relative tells you that they've been raped.. Take them seriously and be supportive.

And if there is anyone, anyone at all.. If you need someone to talk to, I am here.


Until next time,
Raye.