To My Unborn Child.

I'm sure I'm not the only person that has ever been at odds with their parents.
Sometimes I swore they couldn't be my parents, I couldn't stand to be around my mom or my dad.
Sometimes I felt like they were never here for me, they never supported & only criticized. But all I ever wanted was a chance to learn and grow. It's still what I want.

But as I got older, my nonchalance grew. I didn't care much for what anyone said to or about me. I still don't.

I just wanted the two most important people in my life to be here for me like I wanted. Nowadays, it's kind of better. I'm still not as close to my mom as I was when I was a little girl (mainly because my parents weren't together and I barely saw my dad cause he worked alot and I lived with my mom) and I love my dad a lot more because he's realistic. Daddy lets me live my life how I wish with little to no pressure, but he's still willing to be my shoulder to cry on or reprimand me when I'm wrong.

My mom still tries to protect me from everything but the shit I've endured that she knows about (because lol, I hate seeing her cry so she doesn't know about everything that ever went wrong or bad for me) shows that she couldn't.. It's just life. And the world. And in a way, I understand because like her, I'm very protective over the people I love. I love her very much for the things that she's done for me, for praying for me, for encouraging me. And even when we fight, I never forget any of the good things.

But when I become a mommy, I want things to be different. I want my little person to love me so much and to trust me with everything in them. And I feel like everyone that's been through shit with their parents always say something like this.. 'I'm not gonna be anything like my mom/dad.' 'My baby will have it much better than I did.' But who knows what the future will really hold for me and my seed? I can only hope for the best.

That being said, I decided to see if I would be able to pen an open letter to my future heart holder. Here is what I came up with.

To My Unborn Child:
To my little prince or princess, I love you. Just to get it out of the way. There will never be a day that I won't be saying 'I love you.' Because I'll probably say it as soon as I realize you're growing inside of me. And I will say it every day until there is no breath left in my body. Why?
Because I want you to know that no matter what is going on, whether I'm here or I'm gone, whether you're upset with me or I with you.. That you are loved with every single fiber of my being.

I pray for your strength. Because this world is crazy. And I'll teach you that sometimes this life will come for you and knock you down but it's so important to get back up. I almost want to keep you inside my womb where I'm positive that you're always gonna be safe. But that's also crazy. I hope that you have my resilient spirit and my heart filled with empathy & love. I will teach you the benefits and dangers of having those traits. I hope that you never let anyone or anything break you down. But, if there is ever a day that you feel like the world is on your shoulders or that everything is coming crashing down.. Please don't hesitate to come to me. It's my job to pick you up, hold you down & lift you up. You've heard my heart beat from the inside so you know that it only beats for you.

I'll teach you about struggle & poverty but you will never have to go through it. I know you'll appreciate the little things in life like I do. And I'll try really hard not to spoil you rotten.
I'll teach you the importance of working hard AND smart but also the importance of fighting for what you believe in, to always stand against injustice.

I'm not gonna lie, I hope you're outspoken like I am because I'm looking forward to the days that I'm no longer teaching you but you are indeed teaching me. I hope that you won't be easily offended as I tend to be.. And that you're able to see the difference between constructive and destructive criticism. I know you're probably going to be a curious one, like me. And that's perfectly fine. You ask all the questions you want and everything I have an answer for, I will give that same answer to you. I pray that whatever talents our God has blessed you with that you use them them as soon as you come to the realization of their presence.

I pray that you'll be blessed with discernment, to separate the real from the fake. But also, I hope that you never lose sight of your emotions yet still have a better handle on them than your mother.
I pray for your patience.. Your self control. Things I personally struggle with. It is my greatest wish that even in our similarities, you are better than me. I'm not sure who your father might be but I will definitely make sure he's the piece to complete me. So that whatever traits I may lack, you may gain from him. I will make sure that he & I love nothing more than each other, with the exception of you. We will worship the ground you walk on, without a doubt.

My sweet little angel.. I don't mean to rush you but I wish you were here now. I feel like these dreams I chase and these goals I make are solely to cater to you. Nonetheless, take all the time you need because I need to be ready too. In my mind & body because I feel like my heart & soul will always be ready for you. I already love everything about you. And I hope you'll feel the same way about me too. I want you to be proud of me because I will always be proud of you. I am already more than grateful to God for the gift of you and you're still wrapped in His loving arms. 

So, please, my little blessing from above.. Understand that I will always try with you, because I dedicate my life to you.. If you ever feel like I don't understand you or I'm not listening or I'm too critical, please know that it's out of fear that you might portray the worst parts of me.. I cringe at the thought of my sins falling on to you because I want you to be way way better than me. 

So, these words I dedicate to you, my greatest accomplishment & the love of my life, do not take them for granted.


I don't know why this became such a pressing topic for me but I do hope that you enjoy.

Until next time,
Raye.

Vibes Don't Lie: Protecting Your Energy.

I cannot express to you exactly how I feel but I will most definitely try.

I've always felt a pressing need to explain myself or make people understand where I'm coming from.

Because I hate being misunderstood, I hate when my words are taken out of context, all that. So I take the time to articulate my thoughts and figure out the best way to say whatever I'm feeling. Because I want to. I'm fully aware that I don't have to explain myself to anyone.

Recently, I've just been to myself. 

Keeping a handle on my thoughts. 

Protecting my space & energy. 

In my element.

I thought I should just stress the importance of doing so.

People tell me that I'm somewhat of a light to them.. I appreciate that because I adore uplifting people and making sure they're good. That's all fine and dandy but I need my time to recover because I don't act like it but I do have my own problems like everyone else.

Being the empath that I am though, I feel everything for everyone I care about. I feel their pain, I feel their joy, everything.. 

Sometimes, I can feel the emotions of a complete stranger. 

So I take the phrase 'energy doesn't lie' very seriously. 

You can tell what a person is about just by the vibes they give off.

I've had people come into my life and take and take and take from me, I don't complain because I pray that people learn from me and be better which is not always the case because people have this weird superiority complex about getting 'one up' on a genuine soul which is really messed up but it happens. 

That's on them and not me.

A quote by Warsan Shire is one that always rings in my head:

"But sometimes your light attracts moths and your warmth attracts parasites. Protect your space & energy."

I had to learn how to offer compassion and love to people while maintaining my boundaries & personal space, no matter who or what is around. Sometimes, I just disappear. I don't talk to anyone about anything at all. Because my emotions can become overwhelming and I've seen what happens when I let them get out of hand ..

It's imperative because there would be days I would be so tired, so frustrated, so down with no clue as to why I was feeling that way.

Only to realize I had taken on battles that were not mine or that I was battling too much negative energy. 

My family used to make me feel like it was a crime to enjoy my solitude but really, who wants to deal with negative energy bouncing off the walls non-stop and people screaming or arguing for no reason? My parents both joked one day that I couldn't miss the trait of hating people because they're not really sociable, they stay to themselves. I don't hate people though, I just don't like to think of the wrong people feeding off of my energy. 

I enjoy being alone. I hate being lonely. So I find the balance.

Which for me is to see my friends and share POSITIVE energy. 

But God bless my sweet babies that understand when I just wanna be alone. That it's not personal but I need the time to myself. I need a reboot. Being sociable is exhausting.

Some people don't get that though.  And these are the people you avoid. People that are inconsiderate. People that believe that when you ask for a minute or you take some time for yourself that you're being selfish when really it's them.

Listen y'all. For real.

It is literally life or death to protect your energy. 

So if you got a friend/family member that is always on some bullshit, always negative, stagnant, with no kind of ambition or drive to do anything but negative things, LET THEM GO. CUT THEM LOOSE.

Especially if you've done all you can to help them be better. You can love them from a distance but it's best if they're not a big presence in your life. 

Truth be told, you cannot force someone to grow. 

Because although change might be inevitable, growth is most definitely optional/intentional.

So be mindful of the energy you receive and the energy you give off, take care of yourself.. Physically, emotionally & mentally.

And always remember this:

Hearts & hugs, 
Raye.

'So, what are we?' A Take On Situationships.

Hey guys,

I hope that August is really good to you guys and that you accomplish every goal you've set.

*clears throat* 

Today I'd like to bring to you a very controversial topic: Situationships

For those of you that don't know what they are, let me break it down..

A situationship can be defined as two people that are romantically involved with the inclusion of but not limited to dating, house visits, shared friends, parent meeting (I think this pushing it because.. lol but I'll add it because I've heard of it happening) and lots of sex. Plot twist: no titles, no obligations, no sense of entitlement, no rules and no boundaries. 

It's 2017 and I know the vast majority of you have been involved in or you're currently involved in a situationship. It's not the ideal situation (ha!) to be in but it works for some people. Others... Not so much.

 Lol, lemme tell you about my experience with situationships.

I found a young man to be very intriguing. He was very handsome and very well put together.. I was curious about him. I was pretty new to sex or whatever but I knew I wanted to have him in that way. That way only because I had just gotten out of a shitty relationship with a psychopath and I wasn't really interested in commitment. I approached him and initiated the situationship. We actually started off as really good friends and then sex came after. I wouldn't recommend that because it complicates the situation simply because you've already established a level of affection and care for that person and sex, no matter how casual we may intend for it to be, is a very intimate act. I played myself because he did indeed stick to the whole idea of 'we're having sex and we like each other but we aren't in a relationship and we never will be' while I ended up head over heels for the kid. I mean, in love. I grew tired of being unable to define the relationship between us.. I used to say that we were 'less than lovers but more than friends'. But I realized that we would never be together and that I had to move on.

And let me tell y'all something about unrequited love: it's a BITCH. A bigger bitch than karma in my humble opinion. But I did that to myself. I gave all of me to someone who barely gave me half of them. Took me a while to let it go and get over it and it's all good now. 2 years later, I found myself in another situationship. This time, it was way different because I knew what to expect and I understood fully what I was getting myself into.

We had really good sex, we were always open and honest with each other, we didn't spend alot of unnecessary time together (I know what that causes: UNNECESSARY FLICKIN FEELINGS), we didn't speak to each other if we ended up at the same event, shit, I promise you, the only people that know we know each other are my closest friends and his.

After a while, we stopped taking care to avoid feelings and what not. I noticed I was beginning to care about what he was doing and who he did it with (which wasn't my place) and he admitted to me that he got jealous from time to time about things he saw on my social media (def not his place).. Even our interactions in real life became much more intimate. I really didn't wanna travel down the same path with him like I did on my first go round. So.. I ceased interacting with him. Cut it all the way off. Sucks but hey, you do what you must. Some days I miss it. Him. Whatever. Gross. Feelingssssss lmao :(.

Situationships can be beneficial to those involved but to be honest, one wrong move can lead to something like what occurred with homie and I. There are ways to avoid the drama and have an advantageous situationship:

• DO NOT start a situationship with anybody you may have any remote feelings for. I'm not saying have sex with someone you hate but it'll go much smoother if you guys just have a mutual understanding and leave it there. I'm saying this because when my first situationship ended, I lost more than I gained because he was really my best friend, lover and all that wrapped up in one.
• DON'T talk to them unless necessary. I feel as though in the beginning you should communicate enough so that you guys know what is required/desired from each other. Otherwise, keep convos short and sweet. Feelings could burst you in ya eye quick quick if y'all on FaceTime until 4AM talking about any and everything every blessed day. Speaking from experience.
• DON'T kiss them. Yeah, this was hard for me because I love kissing. But kissing has been proven to be an intimate act that breeds feelings (for me, if not for you, cool, do ya ting).
• ALWAYS remember it's just like a business transaction.  I said earlier, sex is an intimate act. BUT that doesn't mean you can't just get ya tings and go. Don't lay up, don't cuddle and don't sleep over. Next thing you know, you watching the other person sleep thinking bout y'all having a family together then boom, you in love and lmao, just.. No.
• ALWAYS PROTECT YOURSELF! For fuck's sake, we all know raw sex is a wonderful feeling (if y'all wanna play dumb, that's fine too). But please, this person has NO obligation to you, that is NOT your man/woman and not because y'all having sex means you're the only person they're having sex with. Don't get caught slipping in these streets. 
• COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY. Anybody can develop feelings at any given time. If you feel yourself becoming emotional towards that person, tell them. But be prepared if they don't feel the same way. Never hold on to someone or something if they don't want to be held on to. You are both under no obligation to each other and you can come and go as you please. If you're not being satisfied, you have every right to leave. Resentment is something you never wanna experience, take it from me. 

I'm gonna tell y'all now, I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY SHIT YOU GET INTO LISTENING TO ME ABOUT THIS.

This is all solely what I have learned from my experience(s).

Different strokes for different folks; what may float my boat might not be able to power yours, feel me?

Because, if we're being real, situationships aren't for me. I wouldn't enter another one if you paid me. Because, I honestly feel like the feelings are inevitable. But. Just my opinion.

This has been pretty lengthy so if you got this far, you're the best. Thanks :').

Blessings,
Raye.