Take That L, You Lose.

Recently I’ve been dealing with a whole lot of losses.

DAMN THIS FRIGGIN RETROGRADE BRO.
(If you have no idea what I'm referring to, google 'Mercury retrograde')

I realized that I hate losing a long time ago and every time I took a loss, I ended up completely disregarding the lessons that came with those losses and losing a whole lot more than I needed to.

It’s crazy how when you lose someone or something, you realize the value of the person or the object.

I’m growing out of my ‘throwing a tantrum when things don’t go my way’ phase slowly but surely.

But the biggest lesson for me is dealing with the fact that I took a loss because of myself. 

For every choice you make, there are consequences. 

For every action you take, there will be an equal and opposite reaction. 

I have a personal issue rn that I shouldn’t be upset about but I am. I’m just upset with myself. I really really messed things up. And I don't know how to fix it but believe me, I'm trying my best.

The mere fact that I did it to myself is killing me.. It's hard for me to accept when I mess things up, whether it’s a relationship or friendship.. From the most complex to the simplest things. 

It really sucks. And I beat myself up for it. For every time.

But the truth is..

I have too much pride and a way bigger ego than I thought. I constantly push away the people that love me with my selfish acts and my overly independent mentality. I don't trust easily and I'm big on self-sabotage clearly.. lol. But it's mainly that I'm used to dealing with things by myself because (if you remember me saying in one of my earlier blogs) I hate being misunderstood with a passion. 

This just in: 

I can't do it all by myself like I hoped.

This ego of mine would definitely be the death of me if I continue to let it run wild & free.

I used to blame everyone and everything for the consequences I suffered after messing something up. But never would I blame myself.

Blameless, stainless. That’s what I thought. 

But you know what it really was?

My ego. 

Turns out that I am indeed my biggest enemy.

My biggest critic.

But I am also my biggest fan.

My best friend, my greatest support system.

Who can humble me better than myself?

God, yes. And without saying, life. Lol.

But other than that, just me.

So, here’s what I’m saying to you.

Look deeper than what’s going on around you. Look more inside of yourself. Check your ego. Humble yourself. 

“I believe that the biggest problem humanity faces is an ego sensitivity to finding out whether one is right or wrong and identifying what one’s strengths & weaknesses are.”

- Ray Dalio

And I truly believe that. We all have some kind of ego that gets in the way of things. 

Things like personal growth, creativity, success, relationships etc.. Shit, life in general bey.

Like you could really be losing out on a boatload of opportunities because you can't take a chill pill and be humble. Listen. Receive the info. Act. You don't know everything. The world doesn't revolve around you. Funny funny funny and so ironic because I'm just now realizing this for myself lol. 

It be ya own inability to see things for what they really are.

It seems like I’m the last one to know this as well because I've had loved ones tell me about these things time and time again and I just wouldn't budge. Am I a Libra or a Taurus? LMAO.

I'm definitely at a point now where the only thing I really want to do is right my wrongs. 

So those things I mentioned up there are things I personally have to work on. 

There are so many things I want to fix but can’t. I have to make peace with everything I’ve done at the end of the day. And fix what I’m able to. Another task for me: learning to let things go and find peace in doing so. Taking things as they come and being okay with how they turn out, even if the turnout doesn’t favor me at all. And this next quote is something that'll stay with me for the rest of my days.

“To have ego means to believe in your own strength. And to also be open to other people’s views. It is to be open, not closed. So yes, my ego is very big but it is also very small in some areas. My ego is responsible for my doing what I do - good or bad.”

-Barbara Streisand

It is what it is. Think about it for yourself though. We all have different battles we face daily.

Saying all of that to say this..

You may be the biggest obstacle you gotta overcome to achieve your plans, your dreams, your goals etc.. 

Who can stop you but yourself? 

My only prayer for next year and every year after is that I continue to learn and grow. I want nothing to shake me to my core because I’m so firmly rooted in my peace. Also, I have to work on forgiving myself! I never forgive myself and I dwell on things forever. Just wanna cut that completely. So I will.

I can only go up from here because I’ve been at my lowest point for far too long. I preach a whole lot of positivity because I love uplifting people but it’s so important to me that I practice what I preach now. 

Because I promise y’all, I talk to myself so rough lol. 

I’m always told to be easier on myself because I’m only human but honestly, I really don’t feel as though I’m doing enough. I’m tryna do better than good enough.

A few reminders:
Don't be so hard on yourself if you really are trying your best. What's for you will not pass you by. Be faithful in your deeds & stay consistent with your work. Learn when to cut your losses and accept them as lessons for next time. Don't force anything. What is meant to flow will always flow. Turn your ego down. Open your mind & heart. Trust your process always. It's not a race but a journey.. Keep at your own pace & stay in your lane. One life to live.. How you gonna live?

Praying lots of love, peace, positivity and prosperity to all of you.

Be safe because the world is crazy. 

Until next time,

Raye.