Shaking The Table: Double Standards

Okay guyssss, this is a special blog because we have a special guest!

Show some love to Colin! He's a writer for The Solid (as am I) which is under maintenance at the moment but will be back soon!

Real excited to do this collab because 1.) YO I HAVE A GUEST! 2.) Colin is hellaaaa funny plus he’s real and raw, straight to the point always.

Okay, so this one was weighing on me for a bit because I'm all for equality.
I grew up around boys so obviously they got to do things I wanted to but couldn't because I'm a girl.
I think this is so good to have a male perspective cause y'all probably would wanna fight me lmao.
But I wanna touch on some of these stereotypes society has placed on both genders.

Side note: I'm not gonna be trashing men completely but just giving my opinion. Y'all already know, I'm not a professional!

Side note on the side of the first side note: We did this independent of each other so any similarities in our opinions are completely coincidental.

Colin: I guess I should introduce myself seeing that this is my first time here. You can refer to me as Colin or as my alias "Sway" because I don’t have all the answers. I typically say stuff that make sense most of the time, but meh. Take it as you wish. Ok on to the meat of things. Raye invited me to give some perspective on some gender issues that we all should be familiar with.

- Only women can be hoes; they must have a body count of one or none or her value decreases. Men? They can smash as many women as they please and it's nothing. 

Raye: Well, that's bullshit tbh. It's your body. Do what you want. Your value is not determined by a man. Your worth is not determined by the amount of people you sleep with. That doesn't make you more or less 'wifeable'. First of all, who wants to be your wife little boy? What can you do for me besides give me dick and a headache? Why do you feel so entitled to a woman with little to no sexual history when you've been all over the place? Cause really lol, niggas be worried about your count and can't remember their own. Can't fix ya mouth to call someone's daughter a hoe while you and your siblings have different last names. IF you wanna be like that and get technical. Niggas be out here with double digits, slinging dick any and everywhere and it's 'just boys being boys'. Y'all praise these niggas while they're whoring but God forbid a woman does the same lol. Y'all be pressed as hell. It literally has nothing to do with you, to me, because the only part of my sexual history I feel needs to be shared with a partner or potential partner is whether or not I have/had STD's. That's it. Hear me out though, DO NOT let these niggas use and abuse you. Do what you're comfortable with doing because they still gonna chase you whether your count is 2 or 20. (Shout out Tin for that last line.)

Colin: The Ipsilateral Body Count debate. Apparently, its 2017 and it’s wrong to shame women for being sexually liberal. In my humble opinion, I’m sorry it took so long it to happen. The indoctrinated patriarchal values prevalent in society has enslaved our women to an unjust social norm that disallows them to grine whomsoever they please without being labeled (hoe, slut etc.). On the other side, men are revered for their sexual achievements; the more the better and sadly, the younger you start juicing the more accolades you receive from your colleagues. But, yea. Does it all matter? Should a man worry if he is doggy number 34 on his WCW’s list? Or should a woman be weary if the dude she’s about to court only had one partner before her and may be wack in bed? My answer: Who the f*ck cares?
Like I said before, I don’t have the answers so this is just how I see things. If I’m number 50 for a lady that I’m interesting in, there best not be no 51. You gatta be done with the juicing game when you dealing dis here. “Dizzz Dick Aint Freeeee” * Kendrick Lamar voice*. If you wanna continue on your penis sampling rampage, then go right ahead. You don’t need my Vienna. I’m relationship oriented and at my current age, my end goal is marriage so if you’re not in a similar mindset then, be gone. This simply saying that I don’t really care about body counts… just don’t grine none of my boys. This is all I ask.
On the flipside again, ladies who have on the hazard lights because she is dating a virgin and fear his inexperience, don’t worry. An extraordinary sexual encounter is just as emotional as it is physical. Just how he can learn you as a person, he can learn your body and give out the proper jooks. Just teach him. Simple.

- A man is born to lead and women are meant to follow. A man taking charge shows 'leadership abilities'while a woman taking charge only makes her out to be 'bitchy' or 'bossy'.

Raye: Lmao listen. The only thing I can really admit is that everyone cannot be a leader. Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, some women in authority can be bitchy/bossy but it's only because she has to demand respect. Most men cannot stomach having a woman as a boss. They be tryna undermine them or make them feel small and it's uncalled for. She's the boss for a reason. Praying that it's the wholesome reason of hard work and perseverance (no shade) so I can follow up with this.. If you wanted to be the boss, you would have put in the work. Some men be in top positions with women as their advisors. Guys be flexing their muscles as CEO and really owe their success to a woman. Humble yourselves people. Same people you pass on the way up, you gotta pass them on the way down. Kudos to the real self made bosses out here. Men and women.

Colin: I don’t even know who the hell thinks this. In case y’all didn’t know, women are very much capable humans compared to men. They can be leaders. They can be Presidents. They can be Prime Ministers. They can be Pastors (or Pastress. I think I just made that word up). They can be, dare I say it, Leaders of Political Parties…..And you know what’s the funny thing…..THEY ARE. Other parts of the world other than the U.S. and The Bahamas, we have high ranking women doing jobs typically dominated by men. But, yea. Women solid bey. Y’all take charge hya.

- Men are the providers and women should be content as housewives.

Raye: I might as well tell ya. I ain't no housewife. I ain't bout to be a stay at home mom or nothing like that lol. I have big dreams, I got golden goals. I don't see any issue in both of us providing for our household. That equal effort will make a huge difference to me. I don't care how much I work, I'd never neglect my children. Or my house. Nigga, do you knowwww how hard I worked for the things I have now? Imagine how hard I'll go for my seed or my home. Psh. I'm not marrying anybody who doesn't have the same drive as me. You crazy if you think I'm gonna just squash the independence I fought for though. Yeah, you can take care of me but I'll take care of you as well. 50/50. I plan to have assets and certain things set in place by the time I'm ready to get married so. Godspeed.

Colin: Oh yea, no bey. Y’all may take this for a joke, but let me marry a woman who making more money than me. SHE is the breadwinner in this relationship. I CAN’T WAIT. People have their own definitions of relationships/marriage and I have mine. A relationship isn’t 50/50; its 100/100. Everybody give their all. Not just finances but this goes for every intangible aspect of relationships as well. Furthermore, roles are dynamic. If I am the best chef in the world and I’m very domesticated, I could expect to put more hours in the kitchen than my lady. If my lady has her certification from BTVI for Electrical Installation, who you think I calling to install this ductless? If I wanna take paternal leave from work to take care of my 3 month old while my lady must work, why can’t I? If my lady grew up servicing cars with her old man all her life and now owns a lucrative automotive repair shop, why I going to Nassau Motors? Baby you better change that oil filter and stop joking. If I marry Ronda Rousey and someone trying to rob us at knife point, INE FIGHTING! You the Power Ranger. Protect US! Fuck adhering to gender roles. Who is best to do it should do it when they can do it.

- A man in touch with his emotions is weak; showing emotion is something only women should do.

Raye: BABYBOY CRY TO ME! If you ask me, being emotionally unavailable is a weak trait. I feel everything but I've been at a point where I've felt nothing. Apathy is not attractive. It alienates the people that care about you. I know too many men who don't know how to express themselves or show emotion. They turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms (excessive drinking and smoking are big ones) and it's just something we brush off.. That's messed up. I don't care what society says, I'm speaking for most if not all women, WE LOVE TO SEE EMOTION. Tell me why you're sad, tell me why you're angry, tell me why you're happy, tell me when you don't even know what the hell it is you're feeling. It's healthy to express yourself! It's important to me that everybody's feelings are acknowledged and respected. Sometimes we can overlook this in men because we all grew up being taught that they're the strong ones, that we must depend on them as our support system always. Well, remember that your support system needs a support system as well.

Colin: Simply put, society made this a thing. I’m sure everyone knows the phrase, “real men don’t cry” or some shit like that. Quite honestly, its bullshit. Humans experience emotions and males are human. Thus, males experience emotions. It’s the suppressing of those emotions that are toxic to the person can consequently manifest itself in other shitty personality traits like narcissism, violent tendencies, homophobia, xenophobia etc. (That last one hurt the most. Like why would you hate the Warrior Princess for any reason. I digress). The case with this is, I do believe us men should be able to (at the very least) learn how to display emotion. Fellas, I know you have emotions, just know (or learn) how to express them. If you’re sad, you can cry. Its ok. However, don’t go and Snapchat story of you all snotty up, lookin like an ass. Another thing that is recommended, talk to someone. A close friend, a counselor, a parent, your lady. If you need to tweet lyrics for 6 months, go ahead. Just don’t make it public like an ass. If you sad about spending Toyota Passo money in Ferragamo for a woman who cheated on you, you can cry fam. You can be depressed. You still a man. We all make mistakes. For the ladies, don’t emasculate your man if he cries. Just don’t. Be a pillar of strength for him. Society already is against him for not being an alpha male or at least not feigning the bravado well enough. Help him through it. Don’t buff him and go tell all your friends about it making him look like an ass.

- Women cannot sexually harass or rape men. 'What grown man lets a woman take advantage of them?'

Raye: Ironic of me to be defending males in this one but here it is. I've had male friends sexually assaulted. I mean, real life sexual assaulted. Bey, I'm sick of telling people consent is consent and no is no; there is no grey area. Even with the stories of 12 year old dudes losing their virginity to women of consenting age..  People laugh these things off when it happens to a male but it's just not funny. Like, you wouldn't think it's funny if your 14 year old daughter/sister lost her virginity to a 24 year old man right? Same rules apply. Rape jokes, actual rape/sexual assault.. I know dudes that were drugged man. I'm gonna skate off of this by saying, take this one seriously. Rape can happen to men. Women can be predators too. Don't put anything past anyone.

Colin: Ok, yes. Women can sexually harass a male. No means “NO” ma’am.

- Females can be bisexual and praised but bisexual men are shunned.

Raye: LOLLL, I hate this one fr. Cause niggas look at gals like they some type super hybrid goddess when they say they go both ways but if a nigga says that, everyone cringing and saying 'no bey, he can't be bi, he like man'. Ok, lmao. It's all fun and games until that same bisexual gal you so cool with steal ya gal after that threesome you planned. That's how life goes.

Colin: Ok, yea. Men can be bisexual, but ma boy, you can call it whatever you want. If ya practice gay shit, ya like man. Dassit. If you like poking bootyholes then that is on you. No judgment here. If you like poking bootyholes and pum pum holes, all power to ya. Just let us be clear, you may not like exclusively man, but you is be liking “some” man. You can’t be bisexual without like likin man so….. there’s that.

- Men should not hit women, regardless of if they are provoked.

Raye: Buddy.. I know not only me was taught the concept of hitting someone back when they hit you. I saw a video the other day where this dude told the girl over and over don't hit him. She still hit him and nobody stopped her. It wasn't until he bounce her head off the pavement that people intervened. Long story short, if you don't want someone's son punching ya head clean off.. Don't hit him. Just. DON'T HIT HIM. Me? I understand the consequences of laying hands on people and as much as I joke about fighting and stuff, I don't bother unless someone bothers me. If I swing, I'm fully aware that a fight will most likely ensue. If ya can't take a punch, sit small until ya name get called.

Colin: Don’t put hands on nobody’s child and be upset with the result. You cannot be upset with someone’s reaction if you incited it. If I slap somebody and they shoot me, that’s my wibe! What I doing slapping people? I can’t control someone’s reaction to what I did. Yea, the response may be excessive or maybe even illegal, but it could have been avoided if I didn’t do anything in the first place. Back to the men/women thing. If a woman in my face, shouting, cursing and sending verbal threats (which is a crime btw), and I push her forcefully off of me, then she punches me square in my jaw and before she delivers another I give her one Big Texas, who is in the wrong? If anyone say me then you are the problem with the world. Your constant propagation of double standards are ruining this country and we are getting rid of y’all in 2018.

- Women always have to be on guard and refrain from tempting/enticing men to rape.

Raye: F*CK ALL THAT NOISE BRO! Just stop raping people what the f*ck! You can be fully clothed and if a man wants to rape you, he'd rape you. Again, like I say constantly.. Consent is consent and no is no. Shame on all the old people that constantly get at females for dressing how they want. Let me wear my shorts and crop tops bro. It sucks that we live in a world where people make excuses for their failure to teach their sons respect and self control. You are not entitled to my body. I do not owe you anything. It ain't fun having to carry weapons around and basically live a paranoid life. I was never this paranoid until it happened to me so this is me saying it can happen to anyone. I'll end this thought with this quote, idk where it's from but it's relevant.. "While we teach our daughters to be cautious, let's also teach our sons not to objectify, dehumanize or sexualize women."

Colin: Women don’t have to do shit with herself to avoid rape. Rapists just need to stop f*cking raping. Like I said before, NO means “NO”. How is a short skirt “asking for it”? You know what you should do? Actually ask her for it and if she say no, then DON’T RAPE HER! Don’t touch her. Don’t Bill Cosby her to make her “pliable”. How is this hard to do?
Stealing is a crime and it is wrong. If I decide to leave my car open with $10,000 on the seat, did I ask the world to steal my money/car? Hell no. It’s not yours. Leave people teengs. Thieves need to stop thieving. Rapists need to stop raping.
If I see a defenseless baby chilling in the crib and I say, “boy this baby open, I should punch this baby head clean off for not knowing how to fight”. You see how much of y’all jaw dropped? You know it’s wrong, right? OK then.
Flipside: This goes for women as well. You shouldn’t grab a man’s privates or his butt if he didn’t give you consent. That’s sexual assault. If the roles were reversed, it would have been a no-brainier right? Dude was losing his job one shot. Another scenario is when females say they can just take it from their man whenever she wants. “His penis doesn’t belong to him anymore”. If a woman even whispers rape (not to mention it was from the hands of a celebrity), he was getting locked up and the court of public opinion would burn him at the stake. So, I implore females to think of this whenever their toxic femininity shows its ugly head by claiming entitlement to a man’s body.

Well guys..
There ya have it. Two sides from both genders in this topic! Don't feel there's much more to say so we done here!


Until next time,
Raye

P.S. It's November 1, which means it's almost December, which means CHRIMAAAAA IS COMINGGGG BIHHHH!

The Blog About Rape

I expect a mixed reaction to this post.

But here's a disclaimer.

THIS IS NOT FOR SYMPATHY, I DON'T WANT OR NEED A PAT ON MY BACK. THIS IS TO PUSH A SERIOUS ISSUE TO THE FOREFRONT OF YOUR MIND. WE AREN'T ABOUT TO ACT LIKE IT DOESN'T HAPPEN BECAUSE IT DOES. THIS IS MY STORY AND MY ONLY WISH IS THAT YOU ARE ABLE TO SEE THE SIDE OF THE VICTIMS IN THIS SITUATION AND THAT YOU ARE LESS IGNORANT TO THE REALITY OF RAPE CULTURE BECAUSE MANY OF YOU ARE.

Also, my story may be triggering to some. I am very sorry if this does that to you but I'm praying and hoping you find comfort in knowing that you're not alone.

Alright, here we go.

Yes, this post is about rape and the culture that has been created surrounding it.

If this topic makes you uncomfortable, I'm not forcing you to read this.

In fact, please close my blog out. You're a huge part of the problem.

Before I really get into this, please note that I am fully aware that women are not the only victims of rape - men rape men, women rape men - but the common denominator is the same.. Men. The sad fact is 99% of men are the culprits behind reported rapes.

Most rapes are never reported to the police even though society constantly preaches that women should always report a rape. Yet, when you report the rape, you just might find yourself being called a liar, a whore and sometimes TOLD that you wanted it. When you don't report it, you are STILL called a liar, a whore then told that you're making the story up. I surely didn't report my rape when it happened. I've watched too many episodes of Law & Order: SVU but also I've experienced too many real life stories where reporting a rape did nothing but re-victimize the victim over and repeatedly. On top of that, the assailants were not punished.  It's just a lose-lose situation all around.

I was drugged and raped by a young man whose advances I resisted. It felt like my fault entirely because I did set my drink down and the worst occurred because of it. I feel like that's besides the point.. Why was it so important for this character to ensure that I ended up in his bed that night? I mean, my no most definitely meant no. Yet.. I still woke up to find someone's son on top of me, inside of me.. Stroking. I tried to push him off and tell him to stop but I was in so much shock.. It felt like my motor skills were just nonexistent. You know.. I didn't even know when he finished because I passed out again? Personally, I feel as though if you're able to have sex with an unconscious person, you'd have sex with a dead one. I woke up without my pants, without my underwear.. And the young man laid next to me asleep. Truth be told, I wanted to kill him right then and there but I felt so sick; whatever was put in my drink left me dizzy, with a headache, no appetite & I was unable to use the bathroom for several days.. Messed up huh?

You wanna know what else is really messed up? Someone I called my friend was there. Along with some of his friends. The next morning, I asked her to fill in the empty spaces for me. The young man locked us both in his room and he did whatever the hell he wanted to do to me.. She knocked and no one answered. He told them that he performed oral sex on me.. Leaving out the entire truth that I was unconscious during basically everything.. I called my best friend, sobbing hysterically.. She reached out to him and he reached out to me. I would absolutely love to play the audio I recorded for you guys but then you'd know who it is. I listened to him speak .. Saying things like 'I'm sorry', 'I didn't know that you didn't know that's what I was doing, I was trying to get to know you' .. The young man even went so far as to tell me how 'good and warm' I felt. Yeah. That way. You decided the best way to get to know me would be taking my vagina while I was unconscious. Lol. Super. Clearly a winner. And to add insult to injury, you telling me how great my guts are as though I was a willing participant. Wowzers.

I never thought I would be on here telling people about this. Because I was so ashamed when it happened. If you know me, you know I pride myself on being able to defend myself.. Yet the young man stripped me of that same pride in just one night. I cried for weeks and weeks, even attempted to take my life. It sounds so cliché but this is really the reality that many victims face. Some days, I'm okay and some days I'm not. Many times, seeing the rape topic online is very triggering. But it's happening to people. The true inspiration behind this is I have a close friend that basically the same thing happened to. Differences being.. She knew her assailant and she was still a virgin when it occurred. She's much younger than me and she's much like a little sister to me so that cut me very deeply.

Why do we as women have to do so much to compensate for the weak minds of some men? Why must we be subjected to such actions all because some asshole can't take no or keep his penis to himself? It's not fair. And I've grown up being told not to ‘tease’ men, not to look enticing, not to have too short of a skirt, not to show too much cleavage etc. But why? It's because majority of these men today were not taught about the value of self accountability. 

“When you have a well-developed sense of self-accountability, you are honest with yourself, and are answerable and responsible for what you say and do. You have the ability to look beyond the immediate moment to consider the consequences and know if you are willing to pay them.” 

-Dr. Ben Benjamin, massagetoday.com.

See that? That can be anybody. It's definitely me, it can be you. Please stop telling women that they have to take extra precautions just to be safe in the streets without telling men that they must have self control and self accountability. Please stop encouraging men to be sexually aggressive. Please stop making them believe it's okay to make rape jokes and force themselves on hesitant women. Stop creating a grey area when there is none; consent is consent and no is no. Y'all hearing me? Understand that no means no, not yes. If a woman is too drunk/drugged to respond, it's still no. Hell, if you get her naked and about to slide in and she said no, it's no my guy. In a relationship and she says no? Well, sorry fam, it's a no. See? No grey area. Consent = yes. No consent = no.

Ya. Dat way.

I just want you guys to hear me. I feel like this generation has become too desensitized to this topic. It can happen to your mother, your sister, your grandmother, your daughter, your niece, your cousin, your girlfriend or your wife. Think about it. There are literally so many ways to prevent rape as a man, you guys basically have all the power in a situation like that. I'll name a few.

If you see a guy clearly harassing a woman, correct him.. Stand up for her. Be mindful of people's personal space always. Don't shout out degrading or objectifying remarks at women or make jokes about sexual assault/rape. Always communicate with sexual partners and never assume consent. And most importantly, if a friend/relative tells you that they've been raped.. Take them seriously and be supportive.

And if there is anyone, anyone at all.. If you need someone to talk to, I am here.


Until next time,
Raye.