When Discipline Becomes Abuse

Discipline vs. abuse.. Where can we draw the line?

I don't know about you but my ass is black and growing up, my ass was grass.

If you missed what I'm saying, I got my ass beat when I did something wrong or stepped out of line.

'Getting beating' is what we call it over here.

Discipline, they called it.

'It'll make you better', they said.

But let's be real, it wasn't really beneficial to be beaten for every screw up I've had. 

I'm just saying if you're tryna make a point to your child about a mistake they made, punching them in their head isn't really the best way to do so, you know?

I never really realized the negative effect it had on me and most people don't.

Most of us say 'I used to get my ass beat all the time but you don't see anything wrong with me right?' 

Lol.. Yeah okay.

When I listened to Kendrick Lamar's DAMN. album, I found myself shook.

Real life shook when I heard FEAR.

If you look up the lyrics or listen in depth (I did both), you'd see the break down of three different instances of fear in his life.
The first verse is about a young child with a strict mother:

"I beat yo ass, keep talkin' back

I beat yo ass, who bought you that?

You stole it, I beat yo ass if you say that game is broken

I beat yo ass if you jump on my couch

I beat yo ass if you walk in this house

With tears in your eyes, runnin’ from Poo Poo and Prentice

Go back outside, I beat yo ass, lil nigga

That homework better be finished, I beat yo ass

Your teachers better not be bitchin' 'bout you in class

That pizza better not be wasted, you eat it all

That TV better not be loud if you got it on

Them Jordans better not get dirty when I just bought 'em

Better not hear ’bout you humpin' on Keisha's daughter

Better not hear you got caught up

I beat yo ass, you better not run to your father

I beat yo ass, you know my patience runnin' thin

I got buku payments to make

County building's on my ass, tryna take my food stamps away

I beat yo ass if you tell them social workers he live here

I beat yo ass if I beat yo ass twice and you still here

Seven years old, think you run this house by yourself?

Nigga, you gon' fear me if you don't fear no one else"

I hope y'all get the point so far but if not, lemme elaborate.

The whole 'fear me and nobody else' thing is a dud. 
I feel like getting hit was just a way for me to listen when really the whole purpose of discipline is to educate your children and teach them right from wrong. Not take away their power or make them feel small.

I don't wanna make this a race thing but yeah, I know many times we've seen white kids screaming at or being completely disgusting to their parents and your black ass was there like "man my mummy would beat me to grits" and she probably was there looking at you like "yeah, I wish ya black ass would." Time you ain't even do nothing and she ready to tear ya head off.
They grow up differently from us obviously due to their privilege; they live as though the world is theirs for the taking. 

We grew up always being told to act right because we were born with targets on our backs.. 
And then we end up getting punished in a pretty violent way when we slip up or step out of line.. Getting whipped with belts. Yeah, y'all getting hit with memories of your grammy telling you pick a switch, a strong one. 

But what did slave masters do to their slaves to keep them in line? Oh? That's tea.

But for real though, black families have this thing about instilling 'fear' in their kids with these harsh punishments to keep them from going wayward.. Not knowing that that same tactic is what may cause them to stray. And this is something that has been passed down from generation to generation.. The solution to every problem is a good old fashioned cut ass. A lot of the times I was 'disciplined', I really didn't learn anything. All I got was a sore body part and a lot of thoughts about running away lmaoooo. 

I've seen children humiliated in front of the school, in front of their friends and peers, in public places like the mall or movies.. Slapped, punched, kicked, stomped, whipped.. All in the name of teaching them a lesson. My parents always told me it was all done in love and for the greater good but.. My head must be real hard cause I don't see how. You embarrassing me tryna prove a point really puts a strain on our relationship; you can't expect me to trust you the same or at all after the fact. The only thing being taught is how to fear and resent you long after childhood.

And let me briefly touch on verbal abuse.. I heard a saying before that goes 'Your parents are the first people to break your heart.' Don't talk down to your children please. For any reason. It's never okay. You can say get over it or toughen up as much as you want but it's not that simple. Then.. You wonder why they're so secretive or they don't talk to you about anything.

Mutual power & respect: a concept. 

Hear me out cause I know y'all probably wondering where on God's green earth am I trying to go with this.

Yes, I believe 100% that you should respect your parents/elders but I also believe that they should give you something to respect. Too many times you would find adults out here doing the things they tell their kids not to do with the excuse being 'don't do as I do, do as I say'. For me, that was always pretty confusing because if it's so wrong for me to do, why are you doing it?

 -coughs- 

Hypocrites. 

-dry hacking cough-

 I said it.
Be the example you want your children to follow.
Furthermore, give your children the leeway to express themselves. Stop making it seem as though it's disrespectful to stand up for themselves when you'd encourage them to do so when it comes to someone other than you. As long as you're both communicating effectively and respectfully (adding this because I don't want y'all to think I'm here for screaming matches because I'm not), I don't see any room for issues to arise. Let them have a voice but also teach them it's okay to respectfully disagree when your opinions differ. I'm also a big fan of learning from other people's mistakes so I encourage you to tell them about similar situations in their life that you may have faced at their age. A word to the wise is sufficient.

Anyways, listen.

I'm not trying to tell anyone how to discipline their children or to not discipline them at all but we have got to outgrow this mentality that these types of punishments are the only way. The intent may be good but this is not the way to go.
Because honestly, I've seen situations where anger takes over and the beating goes way too far.
Why not avoid that altogether?
And don't tell me I'm overreacting when that one time your old lady bark your ass with that 2x4 still ringing in your head. Now you cringing. That's PTSD. Good day.
Train your children to make healthy choices from a young age. When they make mistakes, help them understand that it's a part of growing up. Build a relationship that's big on mutual respect.

Side note: I said ass a lot in this, forgive me.

Idk, this is just how I feel about it. Shoot me.

Um, yeah. Be safe out here guys, the world is crazy. I love ya!


Hearts & hugs,
Raye.

Souls, Souls & More Souls - Soul Ties.

HI, HELLO, I'M BACK ALREADY!

I didn't feel like I should leave you guys hanging for so long while knowing I finished this early!

If you haven't really noticed, my posts are biweekly (every two weeks) so this is a big deal.

I feel like Drake rn. LMAO. Okay yeah, the post.

I talk about energy and vibes a lot. I really really grew up believing only in what I was able to see. But as I got older, I learned more about the world that goes beyond our physical sight. The spiritual. Let's get past all the witchcraft & wizardry that people normally associate with the spiritual realm. Let's really think about it.

A soul tie is a linkage between two people in the soul realm through sexual relations and/or deep emotional involvement. A soul tie can be beneficial but it can also be detrimental. Many people don't realize how often we exchange energy. Literally every day with just about everyone. These energetic bonds deepen with time.

So yes, you can have a wonderful soul tie with someone you love, perhaps in a marriage or a relationship, even in a strictly platonic friendship. Strictly beneficial to you both because you help each other to grow & prosper for a lifetime. You want this kind of soul tie. It's important to have a divine connection with someone. Shout out to all my babies that add value to my life.

But. What about those soul ties that'll ruin your life? The kind that steals your peace & makes you emotionally unavailable. Yeah, don't nobody wanna be that way but.. Life. Lol. I can regrettably relate. At least.. Let me not say regrettably because I learned a lot from this. Still learning actually.

Story time lil babies.

Have you ever been insanely & inexplicably attached to someone? Like, your life would probably be or has been at a standstill if or when they left? Like you want nothing to do with them yet you still find yourself obsessing over them? You might even want to get back with them even though the relationship serves you no purpose; it's become completely disadvantageous to you.

Yeah that was me.
This dude was literally my world. My best friend. My lover. Everything.
We had an indisputable connection. Nothing was able to contest it.
Or so I thought.
Everything fell apart though.
I can tell you guys the story a million times over but the gist is:
We were both wrong. The blame is carried equally on both sides.

We separated physically but emotionally? Ha. What a joke.

 I was attached. I went through withdrawals as if I were on drugs..

And I was. In my head though.

I cried and cried and cried.
For months.
At first, it was because although being with him & being around him became too hard to handle emotionally, I just didn't want to move on. I didn't know how to move on.
It felt like nobody understood where I was coming from at all. All my friends constantly told me to leave him alone but I couldn't.
I tried but it just wasn't that simple.

Lol, listen to me now.
Cause this gon' seem like I'm on some bullshit.

You know how people like to have casual sex?

Yeah, don't.

Sex is.. I preach this so often cause it took me a while to understand and I really want people to get it as well.

Sex is MORE than just skin to skin. It's WAY MORE spiritual than it is physical. Idk if it's a female thing because males really do be on some bullshit but it can't just be me!

This is where the soul tie came in for me in this situation. Although that wasn't the only thing we bonded over, it was a huge factor in why I felt so bound to him.
Literally, I found myself acting like him. Speaking like him.  Thinking like him. It's been 2 years and I still find myself behaving like him in certain situations and that truly makes me cringe.
You ever stopped while doing or saying something and think 'wow, this is something -insert partner's name- would say/do"?
That's because you've connected your soul to theirs. It can literally take forever to get over someone you've been involved with sexually because a piece of them is with you and vice versa.
Hence, I'm very careful about who I have sex with. I'm actually celibate as it stands.
Because who REALLY has the time to be battling demons and spirits all in the name of an orgasm?

 

My life is tedious enough as is. Go away. Keep your demon sex away from me.

But on some real spit, listen to your friends when they say it's hard to let that one toxic person go. ESPECIALLY when they don't wanna let you go.
Truth is, most people don't ever really break these bonds.
They tend to bury the emotions & memories under new relationships and sexual encounters.
And THAT, my beloved babies, is NOT healthy.
I firmly believe that it has to be an intentional and deliberate release. Nothing like that happens over night.

My advice?

• Be honest with yourself - It's not really the easiest thing to talk about but you gotta realize when something is affecting you negatively.  'If you love it, let it kill you.' Hi, hello, NO. You do not need to sacrifice your peace of mind all in the name of love (sometimes it's not even love but we won't get into all of that right now). Love yourself more than you love anyone & anything else.
• Acknowledge the soul tie and ask God to release you - Confront the issue head on. Repent. Pray. Ask God to help you let this thing go. Do this as often as you need to until you can literally feel the difference. You can feel when the burden has been lifted off of your shoulders.
• Listen to me, delete/get rid of/burn every gaddamn thing you have with that person or persons - I am personally a damn hoarder so this is VERY hard on me. But really, you think you gonna let it go if you're constantly reminded of them? Pictures, clothing, notes, messages. Trash it all. Burn whatever. It may seem like nothing but it's so important. Block/unfollow them on social media. No contact whatsoever.
• Forgive yourself & forgive the person - Yeah, it's no easy feat to accept that you f'd yourself over or let someone f- you over. Forgiveness is crucial to move on. And normally, you have to forgive without receiving an apology. But don't worry too much about that. Forgiveness breaks the power they have over you. You are in complete control of your thoughts and actions at this point. The peace of mind you'll gain is one that you wouldn't believe.
• Stay free; avoid a relapse - Do not. For God's sake. DO NOT reconnect with this person. There's really no telling what kind of effect that can have on you. You worked hard to get over them, please do not put yourself in a vulnerable position. You already know they're not good for you so please remember your value & worth. Love from a distance. 

Alright, I believe I've made my point. Thank you again for reading! I appreciate you more than you know. Thank you for believing in the dream. Until next time!

Hearts & hugs,
Raye.

'So, what are we?' A Take On Situationships.

Hey guys,

I hope that August is really good to you guys and that you accomplish every goal you've set.

*clears throat* 

Today I'd like to bring to you a very controversial topic: Situationships

For those of you that don't know what they are, let me break it down..

A situationship can be defined as two people that are romantically involved with the inclusion of but not limited to dating, house visits, shared friends, parent meeting (I think this pushing it because.. lol but I'll add it because I've heard of it happening) and lots of sex. Plot twist: no titles, no obligations, no sense of entitlement, no rules and no boundaries. 

It's 2017 and I know the vast majority of you have been involved in or you're currently involved in a situationship. It's not the ideal situation (ha!) to be in but it works for some people. Others... Not so much.

 Lol, lemme tell you about my experience with situationships.

I found a young man to be very intriguing. He was very handsome and very well put together.. I was curious about him. I was pretty new to sex or whatever but I knew I wanted to have him in that way. That way only because I had just gotten out of a shitty relationship with a psychopath and I wasn't really interested in commitment. I approached him and initiated the situationship. We actually started off as really good friends and then sex came after. I wouldn't recommend that because it complicates the situation simply because you've already established a level of affection and care for that person and sex, no matter how casual we may intend for it to be, is a very intimate act. I played myself because he did indeed stick to the whole idea of 'we're having sex and we like each other but we aren't in a relationship and we never will be' while I ended up head over heels for the kid. I mean, in love. I grew tired of being unable to define the relationship between us.. I used to say that we were 'less than lovers but more than friends'. But I realized that we would never be together and that I had to move on.

And let me tell y'all something about unrequited love: it's a BITCH. A bigger bitch than karma in my humble opinion. But I did that to myself. I gave all of me to someone who barely gave me half of them. Took me a while to let it go and get over it and it's all good now. 2 years later, I found myself in another situationship. This time, it was way different because I knew what to expect and I understood fully what I was getting myself into.

We had really good sex, we were always open and honest with each other, we didn't spend alot of unnecessary time together (I know what that causes: UNNECESSARY FLICKIN FEELINGS), we didn't speak to each other if we ended up at the same event, shit, I promise you, the only people that know we know each other are my closest friends and his.

After a while, we stopped taking care to avoid feelings and what not. I noticed I was beginning to care about what he was doing and who he did it with (which wasn't my place) and he admitted to me that he got jealous from time to time about things he saw on my social media (def not his place).. Even our interactions in real life became much more intimate. I really didn't wanna travel down the same path with him like I did on my first go round. So.. I ceased interacting with him. Cut it all the way off. Sucks but hey, you do what you must. Some days I miss it. Him. Whatever. Gross. Feelingssssss lmao :(.

Situationships can be beneficial to those involved but to be honest, one wrong move can lead to something like what occurred with homie and I. There are ways to avoid the drama and have an advantageous situationship:

• DO NOT start a situationship with anybody you may have any remote feelings for. I'm not saying have sex with someone you hate but it'll go much smoother if you guys just have a mutual understanding and leave it there. I'm saying this because when my first situationship ended, I lost more than I gained because he was really my best friend, lover and all that wrapped up in one.
• DON'T talk to them unless necessary. I feel as though in the beginning you should communicate enough so that you guys know what is required/desired from each other. Otherwise, keep convos short and sweet. Feelings could burst you in ya eye quick quick if y'all on FaceTime until 4AM talking about any and everything every blessed day. Speaking from experience.
• DON'T kiss them. Yeah, this was hard for me because I love kissing. But kissing has been proven to be an intimate act that breeds feelings (for me, if not for you, cool, do ya ting).
• ALWAYS remember it's just like a business transaction.  I said earlier, sex is an intimate act. BUT that doesn't mean you can't just get ya tings and go. Don't lay up, don't cuddle and don't sleep over. Next thing you know, you watching the other person sleep thinking bout y'all having a family together then boom, you in love and lmao, just.. No.
• ALWAYS PROTECT YOURSELF! For fuck's sake, we all know raw sex is a wonderful feeling (if y'all wanna play dumb, that's fine too). But please, this person has NO obligation to you, that is NOT your man/woman and not because y'all having sex means you're the only person they're having sex with. Don't get caught slipping in these streets. 
• COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY. Anybody can develop feelings at any given time. If you feel yourself becoming emotional towards that person, tell them. But be prepared if they don't feel the same way. Never hold on to someone or something if they don't want to be held on to. You are both under no obligation to each other and you can come and go as you please. If you're not being satisfied, you have every right to leave. Resentment is something you never wanna experience, take it from me. 

I'm gonna tell y'all now, I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY SHIT YOU GET INTO LISTENING TO ME ABOUT THIS.

This is all solely what I have learned from my experience(s).

Different strokes for different folks; what may float my boat might not be able to power yours, feel me?

Because, if we're being real, situationships aren't for me. I wouldn't enter another one if you paid me. Because, I honestly feel like the feelings are inevitable. But. Just my opinion.

This has been pretty lengthy so if you got this far, you're the best. Thanks :').

Blessings,
Raye.